Hi backseatmummies,
A few nights ago I officially freaked out about having another child. I didn’t do anything rash, like scream or throw something. Rather, my freak out expressed itself as follows: in the matter of a second, I had the sensation that my heart was falling from its normal position down into my body at accelerating speed. Kind of the same feeling you have once you drop down from the top of a roll-a-coaster.
It all happened while I was walking toward the bathroom wearing a nightgown, that has now become second skin around my belly. I looked at my husband and told him to look at me. I wanted him to take a good look at how my body has transformed. I wanted him to see in order for him to somehow, maybe, perhaps truly understand how heavy I feel.
He did look at me, and said, “Well what do you expect you have a kid in ya.” And that’s when it hit me. “Shit”, I thought, “I really do have a kid growing inside of me”. Shouldn’t I have known this by now? Especially lately when my entire stomach shifts along with the baby that is coming in 10 weeks, which by the way I don’t feel ready at all for. First, I don’t understand how I’ve arrived at the 29th week mark. And as much as I don’t want to be pregnant anymore, I’m not mentally or physically prepared for number three’s arrival, at least not just yet.
Just two weeks ago, my husband and I went away on a week vacation. It was our first time leaving both our kids. The last time we had been away together was two years ago, for four days, when I was pregnant with our second daughter.
Our break was definitely needed. We had an incredible week of doing absolutely nothing, but relaxing in the sunshine, swimming in the ocean, sleeping in, taking naps, going for walks on the beach, reading and eating. No schedule, no routine. No demanding kids needing to be driven, fed, bathed, played with, talked to, sung to, read to. No kids to put to bed, to pull or cling to us, wanting to be held. Don’t misunderstand, we missed our kids and talked about them at length. But we knew that we left them in good hands and so the week was ours to do with as we pleased. And we relished every moment.
The very next day after getting back home, I felt like I had never left. All the relaxation I had done somehow vanished. And ever since (two weeks now) I feel as if my kids, especially my youngest, have been clinging on to me even more then before. Their recent behaviour reminds me of a baby Koala bear clinging to its mother’s back. I realize they fear we will leave for a lengthy period again. But I also feel like they’ve become more difficult, wilder. I asked my husband if he feels the same way and he says that he doesn’t.
Maybe I felt this way because we came from a state of complete rest and got thrown into a chaotic week filled with recitals and school events, given that it was officially the last week of school for my oldest. And then straight into our first weekend in the country since this past winter, which was relaxing on some level. Relaxing given that we were away from the city and detached. Relaxing because we were in the midst of quiet and were able to just sit outside and watch the stillness of our lake. But our kids did manage to keep us on our toes. From the little one not sleeping well the first night and keeping us up for part of the night, to our oldest getting her first bee sting, back to our almost two year old submerging my Kobo reader into a bowl of water (it survived) and her grand finally of throwing up in the car on our way back from lunch.
All of which brings me back to why I’m freaked out about the arrival of our third. On a superficial level I’m freaked because I haven’t yet organized for her arrival. But I know that I’ll get done what needs to be done. What really freaks me out is that even though I’ll have a good support system to help me I’m not sure how I will manage three young kids, without sacrificing time for myself, time for my husband and I, time with each individual child, time with grandparents, time with friends, time for writing, which I’ve already been slacking with.
I am nervous about all that a third child entails. Very. But then I start wondering who and what she will look like. I wonder what she will be like. I realized how exciting it’s going to be having her in the house. And what a wonderful addition she will be to our family. It doesn’t lessen the fact that I’ll be freaked out, but at least I know she’s all worth it. And I hope that from the time she cries her arrival into the world I will not just go through the motions but actually savor and taste the fleeting moments when she is still small.
Keren
